(ABOVE: Artist’s rendering of 2009 United Continental Holdings Q3 earnings report in which eyewitnesses claim an unnamed sasquatch delivered a rousing, though mostly incoherent, presentation to shareholders.)
As rare as it is to see a “bigfoot” or “sasquatch” in the wild, coming across one in the business world is even more unlikely and can be just as startling. Just ask Senior Vice President of Sales at United Continental Holdings, Mark Taylor, who claims he encountered a bigfoot at a shareholders meeting in 2009.
“The meeting started off pretty routine,” Taylor said. “Then we got to the part about quarterly dividends and in walks this giant, hairy son-of-a-bitch. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. He approached the front of the room and went into a rather long lecture on how dividends were down and that it might be time to consider a new strategy. At least I thought that’s what he was saying.”
Taylor was not the only witness to the incredible event. Several shareholders who had managed to stay awake until that point in the meeting corroborate Taylor’s story.
“He talked for about 40 minutes and then fielded some questions from the shareholders,” said Gene Page, an executive assistant who was there to take minutes. “He mostly answered with a series of grunts and growls so you kind of had to piece it together, but for the most part he didn’t shy away from any of the questions.”
According to Cryptozoologist, Chris Ready, such encounters are incredibly rare, but add credibility to decades of accounts regarding what are known as “Corporate Bigfoots”.
“These are serious, well-dressed anthropologic creatures with a keen business sense,” Ready said of Corporate Bigfoot. “Most of their business knowledge is based on an economy that trades sticks, leaves and animal droppings, but many of their principles are sound nonetheless.”
Added Taylor, “If I’m being completely honest, I had no fucking clue what he was talking about. But that could be said about any of these meetings. Don’t print that part.”
Romney Announces Plans To Pursue Stand-Up Comedy
The Mitt Romedy Funny Festival May Be Coming To A City Near You Soon
Following his failed bid to win the presidency, Former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney announced today he would continue to pursue his other life-long goal of becoming a successful stand-up comedian. According to Romney staffers, the republican presidential nominee managed to fit in a handful of shows at open-mic nights at several comedy clubs around the country during his rigorous campaign.
“He’s got about ten solid minutes of material right now, a little more if you count some of the prop comedy he’s been experimenting with,” says one staffer who wished to remain anonymous.
Romney also announced plans for a ten-city comedy tour tentatively titled “The Mitt Romedy Funny Festival”. That tour is slated to kick-off in Boston next week at “Big Keith’s Comedy Club.”
“Stand-up comedy is in my blood,” said Romney. “I’m excited about this next chapter in my life. Get it? Next chapter! And that was right off the top of my head. I can make up shit like that all day.”
Allen Larkin, an assistant manager at “Laughie’s” comedy club in Fort Lauderdale witnessed one of Romney’s impromptu shows last month while the former governor was on his campaign tour.
“He was nervous at first,” Larkin said of Romney’s show. “He started to relax a bit as it went on, especially when he pulled out some of his props, particularly his large novelty sunglasses.”
One anonymous staffer provided a brief description of the show, including notes taken directly from Romney’s “joke folder”;
- “So, my yacht breaks down in the middle of the Caribbean a few years ago and I’m like, “What the fuck am I going to do now? Then I’m like “duh, Mitt, you have a goddam helicopter on the back of the boat!” I tell you, sometimes I can forget shit.”
- “Sometimes life if just fucking crazy. One of my butlers is this dude named Cheevo. Nice guy but I swear to God his breath smells like shit. Like he ate food from a can or some shit.”
- “Do you ever think about words that are just weird to say out loud? Like, “biscuit”. Seriously, say it out loud. It doesn’t even make sense. I mean, what does it mean? It fucking blows my mind that there are words out there like that.”
- “What’s the deal with poor people? I’m talking about REALLY poor people. Like, so poor they have a time-share private plane! Really? Have some fucking pride people.”
- The staffer also mentioned Romney did a bit with a large, oversized pair of novelty sunglasses that went as follows:
o Romney puts on sunglasses and then says “It’s still me, former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney. I just put on a pair of giant sunglasses.” Romney then takes off the glasses and studies them for what seemed like several minutes, completely silent the entire time. Romney then added; “Aren’t these the funniest things ever? I mean your head would have to be at least three or four times larger than it is now for these to fit properly. Can you imagine what that would look like? That kind of shit blows my mind.”
Tickets for The Mitt Romedy Funny Festival go on sale tomorrow.
Visit http://www.romedyfunnyfestival.com for more details.
Award Winning Paintings by Kim Il Jong
This photo, taken at The Victorious Fatherland Liberation War Museum in Pyongyang, features the Supreme Leader with his award-winning painting titled “My Underwear: A Look Inside The Supreme Leaders Trousers”.
The popularity of this piece and the ensuing underwear frenzy it created in the country created such a stir that Kim Il Jong appointed a pair of his underwear to an important cabinet position in the Ministry of Defense, where the undergarment served for many years and proved to be a popular and fair government official.
Fighting Chickens of the Civil War
Overlooked by most historians, the Union Army developed and implemented a highly controversial, top secret program to train chickens to serve in the Union Army. Although the program had some early success, particularly at First Manassas, where several chickens were awarded commendations for valor, the fighting chicken brigade ultimately failed.
Military leaders cited hygiene, failure to follow orders, the increasing incidents of fratricide as human soldiers slaughtered great numbers of chickens for food in the field, the fact that their hats routinely fell off and the overall obtuse nature of the chickens as primary reasons for the program failing.
In what was his last letter home, Captain Eugene Franks of the 29th Illinois, sums up the challenges in training the chickens:
“I have not sufficient paper to express in detail the pause and great fear I have for our dubious endeavor to arm the wild game that now sleep in coops not ten paces from my tent. After weeks of training and drilling the unit is still without discipline or the steel one would expect from a professional soldier. In many ways they are no better than the flood of volunteer soldiers we have received from the west.
But I submit to you now in the most private of manner that lately I have begun to grow fearful for my own safety as a number of the feathered creatures have banded together and appear to be in the midst of planning a great coup (not coop). The way they set their eyes to me is unsettling to say the least. I was even the object of an impromptu attack last week when one of them took to pecking at the heel of my boot.
I should hope to write you again soon. If anything should happen to me in the meantime, please know that my love for you continues to grow as my heart aches to be near you again one day soon. Also know that my untimely demise was likely at the hands of a traitorous fowl.”
The program was dissolved in the fall of 1862.