This is an assortment of things I have created when I have felt like being creative. Everything here is original content. Hopefully there is something that you find mildly entertaining. If not, please contact me about a refund.

 

Popular children’s author, Stanford Higgens, released his latest book yesterday at a signing event at a local Library.  Titled “Don’t Eat Milo’s Head”, the book tells the story of a young boy named Milo whose head is made entirely out of a delicious, yet undefined, homemade pie.

"The three best things in the entire world are pie, people’s heads and children," the author said.  "In ‘Don’t Eat Milo’s Head’, I’ve brought those things together into one story that I believe will launch a new genre of food-headed themed stories for children."

In the story, Milo wakes up one morning to discover his entire head is made out of freshly-baked pie.  As he navigates through his journey, Milo seeks to discover how his head was transformed into a delicious baked good and how such a turn of events will have an impact on the rest of his life.  Throughout the story, Milo must evade an array of hungry bandits, raccoons, pastry chefs and members of the 38th United States Congress. 

"I think my favorite scene in the book is when former New Hampshire Senator John P. Hale turns to Indiana Senator Thomas A. Hendricks and says, ‘I’m gonna ratify that pie right into my belly,’" said Higgens.  "Those are the fun little surprises peppered throughout the story.  I mean, imagine a former United States Senator stuffing his face in such gluttonous fashion!  It’s whimsical!"

Higgens said his latest effort has opened his mind to a lot of different opportunities.

"I realize now that you can combine any food item with any body part and whammo! you have a children’s story," the 49-year old author said.  "It’s inspiring."

**SPOILER ALERT**

Higgens was quick to defend himself from recent criticism that “Don’t Eat Milo’s Head” is too graphic in places for young children, particularly a scene near the end of the story where Milo’s head is ravaged by a pack of dirty hobos under the Brooklyn Bridge, leaving the young protagonist with little more than crust for face.

**END OF SPOILER**

"There is a symmatry to this story and I think once people have had an opportunity to digest it, and just for the record that pun was completely and entirely unintended, but once people absorb the journey and reflect upon it, they will see that it all fits together quite magnificently, even if Milo does end up dying at the hands of dirty, filthy hobos," Higgens said.

Higgens next effort is already in the works.  Titled ‘In the Land of Reuben Hands’, it tells the story of a group of young children who wake up one morning to find their hands have been replaced by delicious Reuben sandwiches.

Popular children’s author, Stanford Higgens, released his latest book yesterday at a signing event at a local Library. Titled “Don’t Eat Milo’s Head”, the book tells the story of a young boy named Milo whose head is made entirely out of a delicious, yet undefined, homemade pie.

"The three best things in the entire world are pie, people’s heads and children," the author said. "In ‘Don’t Eat Milo’s Head’, I’ve brought those things together into one story that I believe will launch a new genre of food-headed themed stories for children."

In the story, Milo wakes up one morning to discover his entire head is made out of freshly-baked pie. As he navigates through his journey, Milo seeks to discover how his head was transformed into a delicious baked good and how such a turn of events will have an impact on the rest of his life. Throughout the story, Milo must evade an array of hungry bandits, raccoons, pastry chefs and members of the 38th United States Congress.

"I think my favorite scene in the book is when former New Hampshire Senator John P. Hale turns to Indiana Senator Thomas A. Hendricks and says, ‘I’m gonna ratify that pie right into my belly,’" said Higgens. "Those are the fun little surprises peppered throughout the story. I mean, imagine a former United States Senator stuffing his face in such gluttonous fashion! It’s whimsical!"

Higgens said his latest effort has opened his mind to a lot of different opportunities.

"I realize now that you can combine any food item with any body part and whammo! you have a children’s story," the 49-year old author said. "It’s inspiring."

**SPOILER ALERT**

Higgens was quick to defend himself from recent criticism that “Don’t Eat Milo’s Head” is too graphic in places for young children, particularly a scene near the end of the story where Milo’s head is ravaged by a pack of dirty hobos under the Brooklyn Bridge, leaving the young protagonist with little more than crust for face.

**END OF SPOILER**

"There is a symmatry to this story and I think once people have had an opportunity to digest it, and just for the record that pun was completely and entirely unintended, but once people absorb the journey and reflect upon it, they will see that it all fits together quite magnificently, even if Milo does end up dying at the hands of dirty, filthy hobos," Higgens said.

Higgens next effort is already in the works. Titled ‘In the Land of Reuben Hands’, it tells the story of a group of young children who wake up one morning to find their hands have been replaced by delicious Reuben sandwiches.

Popping Wheelies and Not Even Caring - by Mikey Dukes

Unlike most people, I’m not afraid to pop a wheelie on my bicycle.  I don’t even care if people think it’s really dangerous or whatever.  I’m just going to pop wheelies whenever I feel like it and don’t care about the consequences.

Sometimes I get a lot of air on my wheelies.  One time, my front tire must have been almost ten feet off the ground but I didn’t panic about it.  I just shifted my weight a little bit and rode it out.  I didn’t even care that people were standing around looking at me like I was the craziest dude they’d ever seen.  I just didn’t care about it cause I’m really good at popping wheelies on my bicycle.

Sometimes I pop a wheelie real suddenly just to surprise people.  I might be riding my bike through town and people might be looking at me like, “oh, that totally ripped guy is just riding his bicycle like a normal person,” and then suddenly, I’ll pop a wheelie out of nowhere and then they’ll be like “oh man!  That guy is crazy cause he just popped a wheelie on his bike.  That must take a lot of practice.”  But I don’t even care about that.

One time I popped a wheelie and just kept the nose up in the air and kept peddling for what was probably at least 15 feet or so and I know there were people that were looking at me thinking “that super ripped dude is riding his bike on one tire.”  But I just kept peddling and didn’t even care about it cause I’m Mikey Dukes and I am not afraid to pop a wheelie on my bicycle. 

Last week I popped a wheelie and then let go of the handle bars and had no way to stear the bike while it was in mid-air.  But I didn’t even care.  I just kept peddling through it without any hands and I know for a fact that a couple people were shaking their heads in disbelief and probably thought it was the most insane thing they’d ever seen before.  I know Micah Horncraft saw it and was totally freaking out about it but I don’t care at all cause all I care about is popping wheelies on my bicycle and being Mikey Dukes.

Popping Wheelies and Not Even Caring - by Mikey Dukes

Unlike most people, I’m not afraid to pop a wheelie on my bicycle. I don’t even care if people think it’s really dangerous or whatever. I’m just going to pop wheelies whenever I feel like it and don’t care about the consequences.

Sometimes I get a lot of air on my wheelies. One time, my front tire must have been almost ten feet off the ground but I didn’t panic about it. I just shifted my weight a little bit and rode it out. I didn’t even care that people were standing around looking at me like I was the craziest dude they’d ever seen. I just didn’t care about it cause I’m really good at popping wheelies on my bicycle.

Sometimes I pop a wheelie real suddenly just to surprise people. I might be riding my bike through town and people might be looking at me like, “oh, that totally ripped guy is just riding his bicycle like a normal person,” and then suddenly, I’ll pop a wheelie out of nowhere and then they’ll be like “oh man! That guy is crazy cause he just popped a wheelie on his bike. That must take a lot of practice.” But I don’t even care about that.

One time I popped a wheelie and just kept the nose up in the air and kept peddling for what was probably at least 15 feet or so and I know there were people that were looking at me thinking “that super ripped dude is riding his bike on one tire.” But I just kept peddling and didn’t even care about it cause I’m Mikey Dukes and I am not afraid to pop a wheelie on my bicycle.

Last week I popped a wheelie and then let go of the handle bars and had no way to stear the bike while it was in mid-air. But I didn’t even care. I just kept peddling through it without any hands and I know for a fact that a couple people were shaking their heads in disbelief and probably thought it was the most insane thing they’d ever seen before. I know Micah Horncraft saw it and was totally freaking out about it but I don’t care at all cause all I care about is popping wheelies on my bicycle and being Mikey Dukes.

MAN ACCIDENTALLY EATS COMB

Erik Meyer, who set a personal record for getting ready for a night out on the town in November, recently reported that he accidentally ate an entire comb.

In his never ending quest to maximize his preparation processes, Meyer said that while getting ready to go the movies with his girlfriend, Carol Tate, he accidentally mixed up a chicken wing with the comb and before he knew it, he had ingested the entire piece of plastic.

“I fucked up,” an embarrassed Meyer admitted.  “I was going so fast and somehow got my hands mixed up and started combing my hair with a chicken wing and eating a comb.  When you try to do something no other human being has ever attempted, stuff like that is going to happen.”

Meyer said the digested comb was a Vidal Sassoon 5-inch pocket comb that he recently purchased from a local drug store. 

“It was a sweet little 113 millimeter fine-tooth comb and it went down pretty smooth,” the 31-year old said.  “I mean, hey, at least it wasn’t a brush or a blow dryer or something.  It was a pocket comb.  It could happen to anybody.”

Meyer was attempting to get ready in record time for his night out on the town.  According to his girlfriend, Meyer has been obsessed with the pursuit for the past several months.

“I guess you could say he is pushing the envelope when it comes to getting prepared to leave your house for a casual night out with friends,” Tate said of her boyfriend of nearly two years.  “That’s what he’s always saying anyway.  I guess it’s good that he has some ambition though, isn’t it?”

Meyer said he is currently doing things in the personal preparation realm that only decades ago would have been thought to be impossible.  As part of what Meyer calls his “Sub-Ready” objective, Meyer said his ultimate goal is to be ready for any social gathering or mixer before he even knows he will be attending such an event.

“It’s kind of like I’m traveling back in time,” Meyer said.  “My hope is that one day Carol will say, ‘let’s go to dinner’ and I will be so fast at getting ready that I will just say, ‘alright, let’s go’, because I’m already ready already.”

Although Meyer acknowledged he had yet to pass the comb through his digestive system, he is not discouraged by the latest set-back. 

“In a few days I’m gonna shit out a comb,” Meyer said.  “Then I’m going to get right back to figuring how I can shave more time off my personal record for getting ready to leave my house.”

MAN ACCIDENTALLY EATS COMB

Erik Meyer, who set a personal record for getting ready for a night out on the town in November, recently reported that he accidentally ate an entire comb.

In his never ending quest to maximize his preparation processes, Meyer said that while getting ready to go the movies with his girlfriend, Carol Tate, he accidentally mixed up a chicken wing with the comb and before he knew it, he had ingested the entire piece of plastic.

“I fucked up,” an embarrassed Meyer admitted. “I was going so fast and somehow got my hands mixed up and started combing my hair with a chicken wing and eating a comb. When you try to do something no other human being has ever attempted, stuff like that is going to happen.”

Meyer said the digested comb was a Vidal Sassoon 5-inch pocket comb that he recently purchased from a local drug store.

“It was a sweet little 113 millimeter fine-tooth comb and it went down pretty smooth,” the 31-year old said. “I mean, hey, at least it wasn’t a brush or a blow dryer or something. It was a pocket comb. It could happen to anybody.”

Meyer was attempting to get ready in record time for his night out on the town. According to his girlfriend, Meyer has been obsessed with the pursuit for the past several months.

“I guess you could say he is pushing the envelope when it comes to getting prepared to leave your house for a casual night out with friends,” Tate said of her boyfriend of nearly two years. “That’s what he’s always saying anyway. I guess it’s good that he has some ambition though, isn’t it?”

Meyer said he is currently doing things in the personal preparation realm that only decades ago would have been thought to be impossible. As part of what Meyer calls his “Sub-Ready” objective, Meyer said his ultimate goal is to be ready for any social gathering or mixer before he even knows he will be attending such an event.

“It’s kind of like I’m traveling back in time,” Meyer said. “My hope is that one day Carol will say, ‘let’s go to dinner’ and I will be so fast at getting ready that I will just say, ‘alright, let’s go’, because I’m already ready already.”

Although Meyer acknowledged he had yet to pass the comb through his digestive system, he is not discouraged by the latest set-back.

“In a few days I’m gonna shit out a comb,” Meyer said. “Then I’m going to get right back to figuring how I can shave more time off my personal record for getting ready to leave my house.”

TWO ARRESTED FOLLOWING FIGHT AT LOCAL STORE

Two men were arrested yesterday afternoon following a fight that broke out at Walton’s Chainsaws, Blades and Pillows Emporium.  According to police reports, the two unidentified men began arguing in the blades section of the warehouse-like retail store but eventually came to blows in the popular pillow section.

"I just can’t believe how goddamned lucky them boys were," store owner, Calvin Walton, said.  "We got rows and rows of blades and knives and cutlery and swords and axes and hatchets and even some Chinese throwing stars and these two end up smacking each other with pillows."

Although the source of the argument was not released by authorities, witnesses said they couldn’t believe how lucky both men were that the fight didn’t start sooner, when both were seen arguing in front of the new “Sharpest Things In The World” display the store recently erected.

"I was rummaging through a barrel of ice picks and heard some commotion," Luther Gaines, who witnessed the altercation, said.  "I saw these two young dudes cussing up a storm at each other near the scythe aisle and saying how they was gonna put a hurt on one another real bad."

According to witnesses, the pair continued their dispute through the chainsaw and pick-ax section of the store before winding up in the pillow wing.

"It was Tuesday," Walton said.  "Every Tuesday we got our ‘Live & Loud’ promotion going on where we just lay out a shitload of chainsaws, crank them up and just leave them running on tables throughout the store.  Had it come to fisticuffs any sooner, I reckon we would have had us an old fashioned chainsaw fight like we used to in the olden days.  One of them boys would have lost an arm for sure.  Those bastards a just lucky."

At some point, according to authorities, the dispute escalated into a physical confrontation in the pillow section.  Both men armed themselves with pillows and took to exchanging blows before being separated by store employees.  Police arrived soon after and arrested the men.

According to reports, one of the men suffered some minor puffiness around the eye after being struck repeatedly with a Dream Supreme Plus gel fiber-filled pillow.  No other injuries were reported.

"It really is an amazing thing that nobody died," Coma Police Chief Raleigh Fitzsimmons said.  "They were never more than ten feet away from a selection of sledge hammers, shovels, pitchforks, spears and spikes.  Those boys are a couple of lucky sons-a-bitches."

TWO ARRESTED FOLLOWING FIGHT AT LOCAL STORE

Two men were arrested yesterday afternoon following a fight that broke out at Walton’s Chainsaws, Blades and Pillows Emporium. According to police reports, the two unidentified men began arguing in the blades section of the warehouse-like retail store but eventually came to blows in the popular pillow section.

"I just can’t believe how goddamned lucky them boys were," store owner, Calvin Walton, said. "We got rows and rows of blades and knives and cutlery and swords and axes and hatchets and even some Chinese throwing stars and these two end up smacking each other with pillows."

Although the source of the argument was not released by authorities, witnesses said they couldn’t believe how lucky both men were that the fight didn’t start sooner, when both were seen arguing in front of the new “Sharpest Things In The World” display the store recently erected.

"I was rummaging through a barrel of ice picks and heard some commotion," Luther Gaines, who witnessed the altercation, said. "I saw these two young dudes cussing up a storm at each other near the scythe aisle and saying how they was gonna put a hurt on one another real bad."

According to witnesses, the pair continued their dispute through the chainsaw and pick-ax section of the store before winding up in the pillow wing.

"It was Tuesday," Walton said. "Every Tuesday we got our ‘Live & Loud’ promotion going on where we just lay out a shitload of chainsaws, crank them up and just leave them running on tables throughout the store. Had it come to fisticuffs any sooner, I reckon we would have had us an old fashioned chainsaw fight like we used to in the olden days. One of them boys would have lost an arm for sure. Those bastards a just lucky."

At some point, according to authorities, the dispute escalated into a physical confrontation in the pillow section. Both men armed themselves with pillows and took to exchanging blows before being separated by store employees. Police arrived soon after and arrested the men.

According to reports, one of the men suffered some minor puffiness around the eye after being struck repeatedly with a Dream Supreme Plus gel fiber-filled pillow. No other injuries were reported.

"It really is an amazing thing that nobody died," Coma Police Chief Raleigh Fitzsimmons said. "They were never more than ten feet away from a selection of sledge hammers, shovels, pitchforks, spears and spikes. Those boys are a couple of lucky sons-a-bitches."

Amid great fanfare, the Coma Futurist Society officially opened its first public exhibit this week at the Suds & Suds on Fourth Avenue. Entitled, “Future of the Moustache”, the exhibit features more than a dozen hand-drawn illustrations depicting what future moustaches might resemble in the year 2114.

According to Coma Futurist Society founder and curator, Micah Horncraft, the exhibit is the first of many planned in the coming months and will revolutionize the way people consider the future and facial hair in general.

"A lot of people don’t really stop and think about what things might look like in the future," said Horncraft. "The role of the Futurist Society is to share a vision with people and ask them to come along for the ride. The result is that people will have less anxiety and have more to look forwad to."

According to Horncraft, there is no reason to think that in one-hundred years, humans would not be capable of growing feather moustachesIf the illustrations in the moustache exhibit are any indication, the future moustache will bare little resemblence to its current form and functionality. Among the many striking forms of the future moustache, the feather moustache, in particular, struck many as shocking and even a bit confusing.

"People see the feather moustache and think it’s not possible for human beings to grow feathers under their noses like that," Horncraft said. "But do you think people who lived a couple thousand years ago could have imagined that humans today could fly around in planes or heat up burritos in like thirty seconds? Probably not."

The exhibit is being hosted by Suds & Suds, the popular bar and laundromat located in downtown Coma. Suds & Suds owner, Mark Pelfry, said any chance to draw attention and traffic to his business is worth a shot.

"I like a good moustache as much as the next guy," Pelfry said. "I was in as soon as they said the word ‘moustache’. It’s good for business. People, by nature, have a hunger to look into the future. Especially when it comes to facial hair."

Artist depiction of the “nosestache”. Horncraft said in the future, people will grow moustaches on the bridge of their noseHorncraft said his favorite piece in the exhibit features the “above the nose” moustache or, as he likes to call it, the “nosestache”.

"I grow wild with anticpation when I consider that sometime in the future people will grow moustaches on the bridge of their noses," an excited Horncraft said. "I just pray that day isn’t too far off in the future. What a fun world this will be whence that day doth arrive."

Horncraft said in the future, moustaches will be used as a form of simple communicationAccording to Horncraft, the exhibit is scheduled to run through March and many more exhibits are already in the works including exhibits about the future of pet clothing, chewing gum, fruit spreads and more.

"I think people will enjoy what we have to offer," Horncraft said. "This is the only place in Coma where you can see the future today."

IF YOU CAN AVOID EATING THE BONES, FRIED CHICKEN ACTUALLY PRETTY TASTY

According to life-long Coma resident, Stan Bargmeyer, fried chicken is a pretty good food to eat, especially if you avoid eating the bones.

“I just try my best to eat around the bones,” Bargmeyer said.  “If I can manage to do that, I find I actually kind of enjoy eating fried chicken.”

Bargmeyer said he avoided eating the popular food for years following several near-death experiences as a younger man.

“It used to be that I would just eat all of the fried chicken and sharp pieces of bone would get stuck in my throat and I’d almost die,” he said.  “I didn’t enjoy anything about eating fried chicken because it almost killed me and I didn’t like the taste of the bones.”

Recently, Bargmeyer’s friends encouraged him to give fried chicken another chance and went to great lengths to explain to him the bones of the chicken were not, in fact, edible.  With great reservations, Bargmeyer gave chicken another chance with encouraging results.

“It was a little clumsy at first and I only really nibbled around the edges because I didn’t want to eat the bone,” Bargmeyer said.  “But with some practice, I got the hang of it and decided it was pretty decent as far as food goes.”

Bargmeyer said that his recent success with fried chicken has inspired him to be more adventurous when it comes to food.

“There are so many foods I stopped eating or never tried because I thought they were dangerous or too exotic or just not the type of food people like me would eat,” he said.  “But now I think I want to try those things.  Like pancakes.”

IF YOU CAN AVOID EATING THE BONES, FRIED CHICKEN ACTUALLY PRETTY TASTY

According to life-long Coma resident, Stan Bargmeyer, fried chicken is a pretty good food to eat, especially if you avoid eating the bones.

“I just try my best to eat around the bones,” Bargmeyer said. “If I can manage to do that, I find I actually kind of enjoy eating fried chicken.”

Bargmeyer said he avoided eating the popular food for years following several near-death experiences as a younger man.

“It used to be that I would just eat all of the fried chicken and sharp pieces of bone would get stuck in my throat and I’d almost die,” he said. “I didn’t enjoy anything about eating fried chicken because it almost killed me and I didn’t like the taste of the bones.”

Recently, Bargmeyer’s friends encouraged him to give fried chicken another chance and went to great lengths to explain to him the bones of the chicken were not, in fact, edible. With great reservations, Bargmeyer gave chicken another chance with encouraging results.

“It was a little clumsy at first and I only really nibbled around the edges because I didn’t want to eat the bone,” Bargmeyer said. “But with some practice, I got the hang of it and decided it was pretty decent as far as food goes.”

Bargmeyer said that his recent success with fried chicken has inspired him to be more adventurous when it comes to food.

“There are so many foods I stopped eating or never tried because I thought they were dangerous or too exotic or just not the type of food people like me would eat,” he said. “But now I think I want to try those things. Like pancakes.”

Man Mistakes Watermelon for Cat
Coma resident C.J. Hughes admitted today he accidentally mistook a ripe, plump watermelon for a cat for nearly three weeks.
“Yep, I did,” Hughes said.  “I was feeding it and changing the litter box and all kinds of shit and it turns out it wasn’t even a cat.”
According to friends, Hughes started talking about finding a stray cat several weeks ago.  He told them he took it in and decided to keep it as a pet.
“I stopped by to see him and when I walked in I saw him laying on his couch with a watermelon on his chest and he was just stroking it real soft,” Hughes’ friend, Rocky Thompson said.  “I didn’t say anything at first, because sometimes C.J. likes to touch fruits and gourds and even vegetables.  But this was a little different.”
Hughes said it wasn’t until the melon began to rot and stink up his house that he realized something was amiss.
“It stopped smelling like a cat and started smelling like rotting fruit,” Hughes said.  “That’s when I took a closer look and really thought about what I was looking at.  I was like ‘hey, that ain’t a cat or even a kitten.’”
Hughes admitted this wasn’t the first time he’s made such a mistake, citing a four-month stretch in 1998 when he attempted to breed his Doberman Pincer with a pineapple.  Hughes said this recent incident was more embarrassing because he is pretty certain he bought the watermelon at the grocery store himself.
“I’m pretty sure I bought it at the store, brought it home, put it in my refrigerator and then forgot about it,” Hughes said.  “A few days later I opened my fridge and saw what I thought was a cat sitting there next to my cottage cheese.”
Hughes said despite the fact the watermelon wasn’t a cat, he decided to bury the remains of the rotting melon in his backyard.

Man Mistakes Watermelon for Cat

Coma resident C.J. Hughes admitted today he accidentally mistook a ripe, plump watermelon for a cat for nearly three weeks.

“Yep, I did,” Hughes said.  “I was feeding it and changing the litter box and all kinds of shit and it turns out it wasn’t even a cat.”

According to friends, Hughes started talking about finding a stray cat several weeks ago.  He told them he took it in and decided to keep it as a pet.

“I stopped by to see him and when I walked in I saw him laying on his couch with a watermelon on his chest and he was just stroking it real soft,” Hughes’ friend, Rocky Thompson said.  “I didn’t say anything at first, because sometimes C.J. likes to touch fruits and gourds and even vegetables.  But this was a little different.”

Hughes said it wasn’t until the melon began to rot and stink up his house that he realized something was amiss.

“It stopped smelling like a cat and started smelling like rotting fruit,” Hughes said.  “That’s when I took a closer look and really thought about what I was looking at.  I was like ‘hey, that ain’t a cat or even a kitten.’”

Hughes admitted this wasn’t the first time he’s made such a mistake, citing a four-month stretch in 1998 when he attempted to breed his Doberman Pincer with a pineapple.  Hughes said this recent incident was more embarrassing because he is pretty certain he bought the watermelon at the grocery store himself.

“I’m pretty sure I bought it at the store, brought it home, put it in my refrigerator and then forgot about it,” Hughes said.  “A few days later I opened my fridge and saw what I thought was a cat sitting there next to my cottage cheese.”

Hughes said despite the fact the watermelon wasn’t a cat, he decided to bury the remains of the rotting melon in his backyard.

Woman Who Died, then Came Back to Life, then Died Again, Comes Back to Life
Coma resident, Cheryl Maplethorpe, who reportedly died, then came back to life, then died again yesterday, came back to life late last night, hospital officials said.
“She just sat up, rubbed her eyes and asked if I had a 100 Thousand Grand candy bar,” hospital orderly Dustin Metcalf said.  “I told her I didn’t but I did have a small Tootsie Roll I offered her.  She rolled her eyes at me and then stuck her finger in her mouth and pretended to gag.  It was unusual.”
According to staff, Maplethorpe had just been relocated to the morgue after being declared dead a few hours earlier.  Doctors were unclear as to the cause of her two deaths and had hoped an autopsy would help them discover what, precisely, caused the woman to die two times in less than two hours.
“I was rather perturbed,” emergency room physician, Dr. Jimmy said.  “I really, really, really wanted to know what killed this woman.  Now I’ll never know.  She took that from me.”
Maplethorpe was unavailable for comment.  Friends said the 38-year old secretary asked for a sudoku puzzle, a 2 liter of 7-Up and five 100 Thousand Grand candy bars.
“She even made a joke about how eating five 100 Thousand Grand candy bars is like ingesting a half a million dollars,” Maplethorpes friend and co-worker, Kate Spiller said.  “So she was definitely her witty, hilarious self.”
Maplethorpe will be kept overnight for testing and further observation.

Woman Who Died, then Came Back to Life, then Died Again, Comes Back to Life

Coma resident, Cheryl Maplethorpe, who reportedly died, then came back to life, then died again yesterday, came back to life late last night, hospital officials said.

“She just sat up, rubbed her eyes and asked if I had a 100 Thousand Grand candy bar,” hospital orderly Dustin Metcalf said.  “I told her I didn’t but I did have a small Tootsie Roll I offered her.  She rolled her eyes at me and then stuck her finger in her mouth and pretended to gag.  It was unusual.”

According to staff, Maplethorpe had just been relocated to the morgue after being declared dead a few hours earlier.  Doctors were unclear as to the cause of her two deaths and had hoped an autopsy would help them discover what, precisely, caused the woman to die two times in less than two hours.

“I was rather perturbed,” emergency room physician, Dr. Jimmy said.  “I really, really, really wanted to know what killed this woman.  Now I’ll never know.  She took that from me.”

Maplethorpe was unavailable for comment.  Friends said the 38-year old secretary asked for a sudoku puzzle, a 2 liter of 7-Up and five 100 Thousand Grand candy bars.

“She even made a joke about how eating five 100 Thousand Grand candy bars is like ingesting a half a million dollars,” Maplethorpes friend and co-worker, Kate Spiller said.  “So she was definitely her witty, hilarious self.”

Maplethorpe will be kept overnight for testing and further observation.

Woman Dies, then Comes Back to Life, then Dies Again
Coma resident Cheryl Maplethorpe died suddenly on Tuesday, then came back to life, then suddenly died again.  The 35-year-old receptionist was at work when co-workers said she collapsed near a copy machine.  Maplethorpe was rushed to Coma General Hospital where she was pronounced dead.  Moments later, as she was being wheeled into the emergency room, Maplethorpe came back to life.
"She just kind of woke up and looked around and asked if she could have some 7-Up," EMT, Peter Buchanan, said.  "We didn’t have any 7-Up.  There was some Sprite in one of the vending machines but when I asked if she wanted a Sprite, she stuck out her tongue, made devil-horns with her fingers and then suddenly died again."
Paramedics and hospital staff attempted to revive Maplethorpe but were unsuccessful.
"I don’t like to be played," Coma physician, Dr. Jimmy, said.  "You’re either alive or you’re dead.  Don’t make me guess."
Maplethorpe leaves behind her father, Darryl Maplethorpe and an impressive collection of half-empty cereal boxes.  Friends said Maplethorpe enjoyed sitting, 7-Up and German romance novels.
You can learn more about the town of Coma at http://www.townofcoma.com/coma

Woman Dies, then Comes Back to Life, then Dies Again

Coma resident Cheryl Maplethorpe died suddenly on Tuesday, then came back to life, then suddenly died again.  The 35-year-old receptionist was at work when co-workers said she collapsed near a copy machine.  Maplethorpe was rushed to Coma General Hospital where she was pronounced dead.  Moments later, as she was being wheeled into the emergency room, Maplethorpe came back to life.

"She just kind of woke up and looked around and asked if she could have some 7-Up," EMT, Peter Buchanan, said.  "We didn’t have any 7-Up.  There was some Sprite in one of the vending machines but when I asked if she wanted a Sprite, she stuck out her tongue, made devil-horns with her fingers and then suddenly died again."

Paramedics and hospital staff attempted to revive Maplethorpe but were unsuccessful.

"I don’t like to be played," Coma physician, Dr. Jimmy, said.  "You’re either alive or you’re dead.  Don’t make me guess."

Maplethorpe leaves behind her father, Darryl Maplethorpe and an impressive collection of half-empty cereal boxes.  Friends said Maplethorpe enjoyed sitting, 7-Up and German romance novels.

You can learn more about the town of Coma at http://www.townofcoma.com/coma

Undercover Cop Who “Just Didn’t Get It” Is Re-Assigned
Coma police officer, Martin Ambrose, was re-assigned last week after what officials called “a necessary change to ensure the success and integrity of Coma’s undercover and vice efforts.”
According to Coma police chief, Raleigh Fitzsimmons, Ambrose was re-assigned to internal affairs after a string of poorly executed undercover assignments.
“He just didn’t get it,” Fitzsimmons said.  “Despite numerous meetings, training and extremely specific, in-depth and detailed conversations, Officer Ambrose failed to grasp the essence of undercover police work.”
Ambrose refused to comment on the situation but did say he was looking forward to his new position in internal affairs.
According to several sources who wished to remain anonymous, Ambrose tended to “stand-out” while working undercover and constantly introduced himself as “Officer Ambrose” or even “Sergeant Martin Ambrose of the Coma Police Department” even while deeply imbedded with local crime rings.
“I don’t think he made it more than two hours for any of his undercover assignments,” one insider said.  “It probably didn’t help that he usually showed his badge and was dressed in uniform.”
Ambrose will begin in his new position next week and has already gone on record to say he looks forward to helping support his fellow officers in every aspect of their job and that he’s “got their back.”

Undercover Cop Who “Just Didn’t Get It” Is Re-Assigned

Coma police officer, Martin Ambrose, was re-assigned last week after what officials called “a necessary change to ensure the success and integrity of Coma’s undercover and vice efforts.”

According to Coma police chief, Raleigh Fitzsimmons, Ambrose was re-assigned to internal affairs after a string of poorly executed undercover assignments.

“He just didn’t get it,” Fitzsimmons said.  “Despite numerous meetings, training and extremely specific, in-depth and detailed conversations, Officer Ambrose failed to grasp the essence of undercover police work.”

Ambrose refused to comment on the situation but did say he was looking forward to his new position in internal affairs.

According to several sources who wished to remain anonymous, Ambrose tended to “stand-out” while working undercover and constantly introduced himself as “Officer Ambrose” or even “Sergeant Martin Ambrose of the Coma Police Department” even while deeply imbedded with local crime rings.

“I don’t think he made it more than two hours for any of his undercover assignments,” one insider said.  “It probably didn’t help that he usually showed his badge and was dressed in uniform.”

Ambrose will begin in his new position next week and has already gone on record to say he looks forward to helping support his fellow officers in every aspect of their job and that he’s “got their back.”

Coors Light To Launch New Liquid-Nitrogen Product

The Coors Brewing Company announced today it will run a pilot program for its new Coors Light-Liquid Nitrogen product in the town of Coma. 

"We are really excited about this," Coma Mayor, Dave Anderson said.  "It’s not often we get hand-picked for special pilot programs with such significant national implications and stuff."

According to Coors spokesperson, Anthony Hoffman, the new Coors Light-Liquid Nitrogen represents a significant step forward in the company’s never-ending quest to brew the coldest goddamned beer possible.

"We are redefining the word cold with this effort," Hoffman said.  "We’ve always pitched our product as being as cold as the Rocky Mountains.  But we realized the Rocky Mountains aren’t the coldest thing known to mankind.  We had to benchmark against something colder.  We think we found that with liquid nitrogen."

Hoffman said the pilot program will run for six weeks and the product will be offered at all existing Coors Light retailers in Coma.  The company will also conduct market research in the community, including focus groups, to evaluate performance and further develop their plans for a nationwide launch in June of 2014.

The new Coors Light-Liquid Nitrogen is a cryogenic fluid infused with the popular beer.  It can cause rapid freezing on contact with living tissue so the company has gone through the process of re-labeling its bottles and packaging so consumers understand the risks involved with handling the product.  At this time, there is no scientifically safe method for ingesting the beer, but Hoffman is undeterred by such detail. 

"We’ve really moved beyond caring about whether or not people can drink our beer," Hoffman said.  "That went out the window a long time ago.  Now, we only care about the science and the processes involved with producing the coldest beer known in our galaxy and perhaps all the universe.  That’s all that matters now."

According to Hoffman, consumers should take precautions when opening a bottle of Coors Light-Liquid Nitrogen due to the fact that as the liquid evaporates, it may reduce the oxygen in the air and may act as an asphyxiant, especially in confined spaces.

"I wouldn’t try to drink it in a broom closet, if you know what I mean," Hoffman said.  "That shit will knock you right on your ass."

The new Coors Light-Liquid Nitrogen will be available at Coma retailers starting next month.  Mayor Anderson said it was a good opportunity for the town, but he had some reservations about the product itself.

"Apparently the people at Coors use mountain water to brew their beer," Anderson said.   "I’ve always thought that was odd because I’m sure there are lots of rodents and mice and raccoons and elk and moose that urinate and defecate in that water.  I just don’t want to drink any moose manure is all."

 

Katana Sword Stabbing Ends 2,000 Consecutive Days Without Katana Sword Stabbing Incident
Following a ceremony to commemorate 2,000 days without a Katana sword stabbing, Coma resident, Paul Peterson was accidentally stabbed by a Katana sword at Banjo’s Pancake and Oat House yesterday morning.
"It was a real mess," Coma police chief, Raleigh Fitzsimmons, said.  "The worse part is that we have to change the sign we keep near the highway back to zero days without a Katana sword stabbing incident."
Peterson was in the pancake line at the popular all-you-can eat restaurant when he accidentally backed into a Katana sword that was propped up against a chair.  The blade entered Peterson just below his ribcage.  The incident occurred just moments after Coma mayor, Dave Anderson, celebrated 2,000 days without a Katana sword stabbing by giving a short speech and cutting a sword-shaped cake.
After finishing his pancakes, Peterson was rushed to the hospital.
"This whole thing is just another reminder of all the bad things that happen in this town," Peterson said.  "This is a town where people get stabbed by fancy Japan swords when standing in line to eat pancakes and minding their own business. I hate this place."
Fitzsimmons said they had no leads on who left the sword in such a precarious position.  The police chief added  it was unlikely an investigation would take place.
"People are pretty upset about the whole thing," Fitzsimmons said.  "I think we should just change the highway sign to read ‘two-thousand days without a criminally-motivated Katana sword stabbing’, but that’s probably just splitting hairs at this point."
 Some town members said they remain optimistic that the community can beat it’s record of 2,000 days, but admit it might take a lot of work and extra caution.

Katana Sword Stabbing Ends 2,000 Consecutive Days Without Katana Sword Stabbing Incident

Following a ceremony to commemorate 2,000 days without a Katana sword stabbing, Coma resident, Paul Peterson was accidentally stabbed by a Katana sword at Banjo’s Pancake and Oat House yesterday morning.

"It was a real mess," Coma police chief, Raleigh Fitzsimmons, said.  "The worse part is that we have to change the sign we keep near the highway back to zero days without a Katana sword stabbing incident."

Peterson was in the pancake line at the popular all-you-can eat restaurant when he accidentally backed into a Katana sword that was propped up against a chair.  The blade entered Peterson just below his ribcage.  The incident occurred just moments after Coma mayor, Dave Anderson, celebrated 2,000 days without a Katana sword stabbing by giving a short speech and cutting a sword-shaped cake.

After finishing his pancakes, Peterson was rushed to the hospital.

"This whole thing is just another reminder of all the bad things that happen in this town," Peterson said.  "This is a town where people get stabbed by fancy Japan swords when standing in line to eat pancakes and minding their own business. I hate this place."

Fitzsimmons said they had no leads on who left the sword in such a precarious position.  The police chief added  it was unlikely an investigation would take place.

"People are pretty upset about the whole thing," Fitzsimmons said.  "I think we should just change the highway sign to read ‘two-thousand days without a criminally-motivated Katana sword stabbing’, but that’s probably just splitting hairs at this point."

 Some town members said they remain optimistic that the community can beat it’s record of 2,000 days, but admit it might take a lot of work and extra caution.

About the Mikey Dukes’ Workout- by Mikey Dukes
Most people don’t believe me when I tell them I was once an out-of-shape, lazy person who spent most of his time lying around, sitting on my ass and making other people wait on me hand and foot.  But guess what?  It’s true!
I’m Mikey Dukes.  I’m a part-time DJ and full-time celebrity fitness expert.  24 years ago, my life was a mess.  I didn’t have a girlfriend and it seemed the only type of woman I could attract was old enough to be my mom or even my grandma!  Gross!
What’s worse is I could barely even walk!  It got so bad that I sometimes soiled my britches right in my pants!  I was too lazy to get up and use the toilet. 
But then I realized that I had a choice.  I could continue to be the chubby, out-of-shape dude, or I could change my life forever!  That is what I did.
But Mikey Dukes’ Workout doesn’t only work for guys named Mikey Dukes!  It can work for you too.  If you think you’re ready to commit, you must abide by three simple rules.  If you can do that, I will help you unleash a world of energy and personal transformation that will change your life forever.
Mikey Dukes’ Three Rules:
1. You must start my program as a new-born infant!
2. You must follow my program precisely for a 24-year duration!
3. You must be prepared for the incredible comments you’re going to receive from people who haven’t seen you in that 24-year timespan!  It will be amazing!
Just a sampling of some of the comments I’ve received since I started this program from people who haven’t seen me since I started:
"I did not recognize you."
"You’ve changed quite a bit since I saw you as a newborn infant some 24 years ago."
"I think I babysat for you once when you were like eight-months old.  I would not have recognized you at all now as a 24 year-old fully-grown adult male."
Every one of the comments above are REAL!  It’s a testament to the dramatic transformation that takes place when you adopt my highly-effective workout program.
What are you waiting for?!!  To learn more about the Mikey Dukes’ Workout Program, visit my website at http://www.themikeydukesworkoutplanthatwillchangeyourlifeforever.com

About the Mikey Dukes’ Workout- by Mikey Dukes

Most people don’t believe me when I tell them I was once an out-of-shape, lazy person who spent most of his time lying around, sitting on my ass and making other people wait on me hand and foot.  But guess what?  It’s true!

I’m Mikey Dukes.  I’m a part-time DJ and full-time celebrity fitness expert.  24 years ago, my life was a mess.  I didn’t have a girlfriend and it seemed the only type of woman I could attract was old enough to be my mom or even my grandma!  Gross!

What’s worse is I could barely even walk!  It got so bad that I sometimes soiled my britches right in my pants!  I was too lazy to get up and use the toilet. 

But then I realized that I had a choice.  I could continue to be the chubby, out-of-shape dude, or I could change my life forever!  That is what I did.

But Mikey Dukes’ Workout doesn’t only work for guys named Mikey Dukes!  It can work for you too.  If you think you’re ready to commit, you must abide by three simple rules.  If you can do that, I will help you unleash a world of energy and personal transformation that will change your life forever.

Mikey Dukes’ Three Rules:

1. You must start my program as a new-born infant!

2. You must follow my program precisely for a 24-year duration!

3. You must be prepared for the incredible comments you’re going to receive from people who haven’t seen you in that 24-year timespan!  It will be amazing!

Just a sampling of some of the comments I’ve received since I started this program from people who haven’t seen me since I started:

"I did not recognize you."

"You’ve changed quite a bit since I saw you as a newborn infant some 24 years ago."

"I think I babysat for you once when you were like eight-months old.  I would not have recognized you at all now as a 24 year-old fully-grown adult male."

Every one of the comments above are REAL!  It’s a testament to the dramatic transformation that takes place when you adopt my highly-effective workout program.

What are you waiting for?!!  To learn more about the Mikey Dukes’ Workout Program, visit my website at http://www.themikeydukesworkoutplanthatwillchangeyourlifeforever.com

Town Celebrates 2,000 Days Without Katana Sword Stabbing
Touting it as a day of civic pride, Coma Mayor Dave Anderson helped commemorate Coma’s 2,000th consecutive day without a stabbing involving a handmade Katana Samurai sword.
“Today is a day to celebrate our good fortune,” Anderson said to a group of nearly six people who gathered in front of the town hall to recognize the special occasion.  “Not many communities can boast such a sparkling record of incidents involving hand-forged, finely-crafted Katana Samurai swords.”
The last reported incident involving a Katana Samurai sword occurred on March 26, 2008, when Benji Ford stabbed his friend and neighbor, Ken Portman, during an argument about the effectiveness of swords as combat weapons.
Following his speech, the mayor used a Katana Samurai sword to cut a cake that was in the shape of a Katana Samurai sword and distributed slices of the delicious dessert to those present.
“It’s nice to stop and remember the good things about living here in Coma,” resident Paul Peterson said.  “Sometimes I get down on this town and really hate living here.  But then on a day like today, I think it’s not so bad because it’s been two-thousand days since somebody got stabbed with one of those fancy Japan swords.”
Mayor Anderson said he is looking forward to commemorating the town’s 2001st day without an incident involving a Katana Samurai sword tomorrow morning at an all-you-can-eat pancake feed at Banjo’s Pancake & Oat House.

Town Celebrates 2,000 Days Without Katana Sword Stabbing

Touting it as a day of civic pride, Coma Mayor Dave Anderson helped commemorate Coma’s 2,000th consecutive day without a stabbing involving a handmade Katana Samurai sword.

“Today is a day to celebrate our good fortune,” Anderson said to a group of nearly six people who gathered in front of the town hall to recognize the special occasion.  “Not many communities can boast such a sparkling record of incidents involving hand-forged, finely-crafted Katana Samurai swords.”

The last reported incident involving a Katana Samurai sword occurred on March 26, 2008, when Benji Ford stabbed his friend and neighbor, Ken Portman, during an argument about the effectiveness of swords as combat weapons.

Following his speech, the mayor used a Katana Samurai sword to cut a cake that was in the shape of a Katana Samurai sword and distributed slices of the delicious dessert to those present.

“It’s nice to stop and remember the good things about living here in Coma,” resident Paul Peterson said.  “Sometimes I get down on this town and really hate living here.  But then on a day like today, I think it’s not so bad because it’s been two-thousand days since somebody got stabbed with one of those fancy Japan swords.”

Mayor Anderson said he is looking forward to commemorating the town’s 2001st day without an incident involving a Katana Samurai sword tomorrow morning at an all-you-can-eat pancake feed at Banjo’s Pancake & Oat House.